Kovalchuk Signs New Pact With The Devils

With the NHL striking down the historic(-ally stupid?) 17-year contract of famous man of the kilt Ilya Kovalchuk that New Jersey were using to circumvent the salary cap hits, general manager Lou Lemon-jello (no relation to this guy) has solved the problem.

When questioned by the Jersey Shore's Snooki, Lou explained his unique solution: "Since Kovalchuk's hero was the famous '70s Russian hockey star Valery Kharlamov he honors him by wearing the same #17 as the man whose ankle Bobby Clarke massaged in 1972 wore. This is why we decided on a 17-year deal to honor Ilya's honoring of Valery.

"I have since convinced Ilya to change his number to something that will work under the current CBA. We considered lowering it to maybe #15 but that's our new coach John MacLean's old number. Frankly, it would be wrong to involve Johnny in any of this for fear of a Commissioner C. Montgomery Bettman suspending him to start the season via the seldom used guilt by association clause.

To Newark . . . and beyond!

"After talking to our capologist, Ilya has agreed to wear the symbol for infinity rather than the #17. This solves all problems over his contract. Whatever amount we pay him in any given year, division by infinity results simply in an unknown number. That way the Devils take no cap hit at all, and we also can pay him out until infinity. Plus imagine the 'new' jersey sales. It would almost be as good as getting Miroslav Satan to sign with us. "

Next week, Lou Lemon-jello solves the ongoing conflict in Central Africa via his new math.