Friday, December 5, 2008

Sticks And Stones May Get You A Few Games But Words...

So, apparently, I support a sport where players have the freedom to say whatever they like on the ice (or from the bench to be more exact), but come up with a brilliant/stupid way to insult both your ex-girlfriend and your opponent (apparently Dion Phaneuf's mini-Bill Cowher appendage meets Heath Ledger look with his ode to Depeche Mode were off-limits) in a sound bite and you sit for six games.

This is sloppy seconds?

Let's review the 2008/09 NHL standard:

6-game suspension + anger management sessions
Sean Avery (Dallas)
Flapping his gums on TV

5-game suspension
Oct. 11
Michael "Don't Call Me Mike" Peca (Columbus)
Abuse of officials

2-game suspension + 3-game suspension
Oct. 6 + Oct. 15
Ryan Hollweg (Toronto)
The 2-gamer from an Oct. 6 incident where he got his third career game misconduct for checking from behind proved to be just the lesson he needed. Maybe just nine days later he picks up another game misconduct for the same thing and is suspended again. Yet strangely no suspension for a bad impersonation of a third-rate John Belushi clone.

3-game suspensions
Oct. 8
Ben Eager (Chicago)
Swinging his stick at Avery (Eager's girlfriend was also sloppy seconds?)

Nov. 10
Tom Kostopoulos (Montreal)
Boarding Mike Van Ryn (and to appease NHL announcers who get him confused with Chris Kotsopoulus) who's out until mid-December because of said hit

Nov. 24
John Zeiler (Los Angeles)
Boarding an Av of note (this just in: Adam Foote is still alive and has not joined the poker tour just yet) which Zeiler blames on his unlucky #13 jersey and for his name sounding too much like a certain ex-NHL president

2-game suspensions
Oct. 17
Daniel Carcillo (Phoenix)
Gets into it with Eager in an homage to Rob Ray minus the fan
(probably just angry that Eager whiffed on his attempt to knock Avery's noggin over the fence)

Nov. 12
Jarkko Ruutu (Ottawa)
Upset that Elisha Cuthbert was not on the cover of a current issue of his fave magazine, he elbows the Habs' Maxim Lapierre

Nov. 22
Mike Mottau (New Jersey)
Elbowing Islander Frans Nielsen (knocking him out for weeks) for not getting him his Danish compatriot's phone number

1-game suspension
Oct. 31
Jared Boll (CBJ)
Instigator penalty in last five minutes of a period plus for being named after the Subway sandwich guy

Now that we're clear that words hurt more than physical violence, the only question I still have is: Does Sean Avery's comment mean Hollywood is a cesspool of born-again virgins?

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