Sunday, February 26, 2012

Hated And Overrated

The Vancouver Canucks may not have won a Stanley Cup yet, but they have proven that the team can top player polls by being voted (by Mark Recchi!) as the most hated team in the NHL as well as the most overrated. Most Canuck fans here would probably say more like the much loved and underachieving given the adoration and lack of Cup success.

The fact that the Canucks now even register on other NHL players' and fans' minds is a plus as for most of the team's existence it was basically too irrelevant and mediocre for much of the league to even notice it over 40-plus NHL seasons.

So here we are in 2012 and the Canucks are actually relevant and, if not great yet, at least good enough to warrant attention. Are spider pigs flying?

For those Canuck fans thinking it's the biting, diving and need for tires to be pumped as to why the team is hated and overrated, so we give you the Top Ten real reasons why the Canucks make others' blood boil:

#10 Lapierre's Crazy Rocket Richard Eyes
After Bitegate between Alexandre Burrows and Patrice Bergeron, Maxim Magazine decided to
invite a certain Boston Bruin to bite his glove, but that is not really what makes opponents' blood boil. It's those crazy eyes of his. So scary, kids!
Girls, shield your eyes from the Maxim Man

#9 NoFunCouver
Patrick Kane had to rent a limo and take off his shirt to have any fun in this city. 'Nuff said.
In Chicago, I can snag the babes with my shirt on

#8 Why Is GI Joe Doing The Play-By-Play?
I have no idea what it is that once anyone seems to take over the "Hockey Night In Canada" play-by-play seat they forget all about being a pro like Danny "a cannonading drive!" Gallivan and start to become more like a Bob "I'm expected to know non-Leaf players?" Cole. G.I. Joe's twin, Jim Hughson, has long given up actually keeping up with the play at all and veers off to offer analysis while lack-of-color man Craig Simpson enables him. G.I. Jim also has become obsessed with player's full names in the few attempts he tries to do the play-by-play. You ask now where did the man who stole G.I. Joe's noggin get his start? That's right--as the Vancouver Canucks' play-by-play man.
"Ryan Kesler to David Booth. Niner that."

#7 Free Willy, Please!
The Canucks have gone through a myriad of "interesting" logos from the stick in rink to the downhill skate and now back to the revamped stick in rink on the third jerseys. Yet it's the Free Willy logo that probably drove the right winger Mark Recchi to hate the Canucks so much. It's eco-friendliness wrapped up in a corporate blanket. Truth in advertising, I think not given that Orca Bay no longer is in the picture.

#6 Round And Round We Go
I turned on a hockey game and the Tour de Sweden broke out! What the Sedins do is drive opponents and fans crazy with all that cycling and one-touch passing. We now know Tim Thomas's actions spoke for all goalies--they hate those exercise bikes they are forced to ride after every game and don't like the Sedins reminding them of that.

#5 The Sartorial Splendor
Sure, the Canucks have gone back to their original blue, white and green color scheme for their uniform but often in the crowd you can spot the odd Halloween outfit. Although psychologically sound, the Flying V jersey seared so many eyeballs in the '80s that it's impossible until a Cup is won for this image to disappear. (Or we could pull an AFL Denver Broncos and burn all the Halloween jerseys in a ceremonial funeral pyre.)
The horror! The horror!

#4 Location, Location, Location
Being on the Left Coast of Canada seems to rub everyone the wrong way. The Vancouver is the "most beautiful city ever invented" propaganda seems to have worked too well. Just to clarify: Our city beaches do not have bikini-clad babes and six-pack ab surfer dudes during hockey season? Also, "our" mountains are geographically outside the city's borders. To update your database, Vancouver is rain, bike lanes, more rain, leaky condos thanks to the rain, and showers in the morning changing to rain late evening following by light precipitation overnight...but we do offer decent microbrews and a wide variety of tasty street eats now. Anyway, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Irashaimase! Red-hot Japa dogs!

#3 It's Not Easy Being Green
The Green Men creep out NHL tough guys with their glass-climbing handstand antics. Plus their skintight lycra frightens the entire fashion industry.

#2 Too Many Pretty Boys
Ever since the days of Trevor "good in the community" Linden, Kirk McLean's large cranium and cute and hunky icon to many, Pavel Bure, the Vancouver Canucks seem to corner the market on good-looking hockey players. This tradition continues with Ryan "the Body" Kesler , Mason "too cute for words" Raymond and the angelic features of David Booth. That's right, fans, no Nose Face Marchands allowed here!

#1 Riot Central
Just for those who don't understand the dynamic of the Lower Mainland (or Metro Vancouver as the third jerseyers call it), the vast majority of rioters were not actual residents of Vancouver. It has been well documented that many came from a land called Surrey. Now ridicule for most things Surrey is built into Vancouverites' DNA mainly because Surrey is the Hoboken to our navel-gazing metropolis. That's if Hoboken had a population base that was over a million and a level of weird crimes that sold what few newspapers still sell here locally.

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